The first time she met him was the end of July. She was quite eager to see her family after 1 year living abroad. Last year has kept her so long in “unfamiliar land”.But thanked to her friends and the substantial amount of works, she survived through the year. For her personality, she is not so talkative. She enjoyed her time being alone talking with her families. Well, other people might be mistaken because her cold look, but to understand her deeply, you need to talk with her. But, whatever said and done, she does not care much about that problem. It is her true self and she likes it.

Back to the story.  She is quite practical in her thinking. And that includes the opinions she forms about love/being in love as well. She doesn’t believe she is the one who finds love but instead is the other way round: Love will find her. And love will definitely comes when two people share the same thinking. Her first impression of him was quite simple: a modest man, helpful and caring to others. He reminded her of her brother so much. The first encounter was quite awkward because he is a new teacher. He just got accepted for the job for 2 months and she found the way he talked was rather innocent and her mother was also in his class. She wanted to get this certificate at the end of summer as well before heading back for another year abroad so she decided to join her mom. However, she said it was love at first sight. But, she was afraid to admit this feeling. It was scary. And she herself did not sure if it was real or not. For the girl who had never have feeling for someone, that feeling was sure exciting but scary at the same time. Her mind was telling her to stop before getting too deep into some unknown state of feeling but her heart kept telling her to do some adventure. She decided to listen to her heart. Well, she wanted to experience what other people called “falling in love”.

The next few days, she started to talk to him more. And those witty little talks raised her trust for him. But she still thought that he only considered her as a younger sister. What made her loose all her strengths to continue was the fact that he is a married man. And he had a daughter as well, still very young. But according to his saying, he was not happy marriage. At that time, she felt that the sky was falling and she thought everything she was trying to do/feel/think was dumped into the black hole. Again, she told herself “See, that is what I have telling you, no happy ending for you two so stop pursuing the impossible”, on the other hand, she thought “well, that is it. I will keep trying to see how it goes. Whatever will be will be”. So, she started exchanging numbers and social network accounts. She was scared of those stories about the risks of using social network so it took her quite a long time to give him her personal detail. From that time, he started talking with her more. He texted her whenever he was free, asked her questions about her daily lives etc. Sometimes, the conversation took ages to finish. He told her that she looked cute (which was the first time that she received compliments liked that) and fun to talk to. She asked him about his wife and daughter sometimes but seemed like he didn’t really want to get into detail so she backed off. She started to have really mix feeling inside her head ” Did I go too far?”, “Well, I feel happy when I receive his texts”, “What is wrong with him for not texting me at this moment?”, “Should I stop responding to him whenever he texted me?” etc. And this texting thing kept on happening from days to days that it had become a routine. When “something is not supposed to happen become a routine”, she became quite a possessive person. She checked her phone every minutes. She always waited for him to start a conversation and he actually always was that person. What was really strange was that she knew she was not supposed to let this happen, she knew she was anxious that one day, if someone might accidentally read this conversation (someone could be his family members or even worse could be his wife), it would be big trouble for him and me. Well, her thought was taken a little further about her family from those stories she read on the internet about men/women having an affair. For a moment, she backed off a little while and asked him about that matter and insisted him on deleting every conversations that he had with her, but he told her that it was ok. She was so  sure that he never intended to delete those conversations.

Things kept going on until some moment when he asked her weird questions and answering strangely. Once time he said that if he didn’t get married, he would find the way to date her. That anxiety feeling again popped up mentally that made her block him on social network. But in her heart, she was truly content and excited. She hated the feeling of emptiness so again, she re-added him. Another time, when he was driving over the limit and unfortunately was caught by the police, he called her. Amazed by his call, at that time she didn’t know how to react.  She just replied so stupidly that she felt she was helpless and as the matter of fact in this situation it was his carelessness, not her fault. Here came another time when he was alone, he texted her and wished she was with him at that moment, he wanted to hold her hands or he directly asked her what does “I miss you”, “I love you” meant etc. (He told her that he was so terrible with English but she thought that was so revealing to ask this questions because even the 5-year-old child knows the meaning). What made her feel uneasy about him is the fact that he kept asking to see her face whenever they had conversation. Well, she wasn’t willing to because she knew it was dangerous but at the same time felt guilty because she made him feel disappointed. Those sweet and caring words made her feel over the moon. But she could not reply him the way every couples when they are in love should. Instead, she just replied the way she was just a little sister and ignored his comment. In her heart, the feeling was totally different.

Time kept flying until the time she was not with him in the same country. During that time, she felt like she got stuck in the middle of nowhere. He told her that he was really sad when she leaves. She kept telling him that he could keep in touch when she was gone. Well, those little talks still kept going on but it is less frequent. For her, she had her mind set that this thing ain’t going nowhere so stopped dreaming. She began to force her mind thinking he is an older brother, not more or less. And that thought actually made her feel relieved not being so obsessed liked constantly checking her phone and waiting every minutes for his messages. And one day, he sent out a text saying that she should stay away from him because he loved her so much. At first, again she felt extremely happy because those doubted feeling she had about him saying weird things now had been confirmed. But…. after a moment, she realised the seriousness of the problem “What have I done all the time to make him feel like that about me?”, “What if this thing/ that thing happened?”. Too many “what if” questions popped into her head. But what hurt her most is the fact that he said he did not want to talk to me anymore so that he could take time to forget me constantly. That felt like a thousand knives stabbed into her heart. That feeling was really hard to explain in words. At that time she felt like she was going to lose such an important friend(?). She started to accost. The conversation started going normal again but she had a feeling that he was trying to hold back his words. Again, the fearful feeling of getting into the routine thing came to her. He still was the one who started every conversations. Although the conversation might be short, it showed that he still was interested in her life. They had one face-to-face conversation, still the same old topics but still made her feel happy. One day, when he started calling her again those romantic words and kept asking her if she liked him calling her that way, she refused but her feeling was still the same. She thought she should be the one to end this thing because of the dark future, she told him that she only considered him as an older brother. She thought “That is it, that is the moment to end everything. Thanks for taking care of me all the time”. He told her that they can be good brother and sister but he texted her saying that he was trying to forget her. She decided to delete every conversations they had and blocked him from her contact list. “Well, I did this because it is good for both of us. I should not bother him anymore”…..

————*Thanks to my twin, *** for giving me inspiration to write this story. Sorry for my poor English, at some points I could not fully express your feeling like the way you want the story to be. I decide to leave my story here as I still have not had a reasonable ending. I am not the person who has experience in love so I came up with this story to overcome those madness moment in my final year at university, although the story itself doesn’t cheer me up at all after I read it again. I hope that those who might find yourself in the same situation can gradually find a way out of this maze. I recently watched a video from a Vietnamese vlogger JVEvermind, there is a quote from him which I found to be relevant “Time passing by doesn’t make you forget things that have happened, it is just a tool to help you get accustomed to new routine without the presence of that people”. So brace yourself to enjoy life whatever ways you want and sure someday, someone better will come and find you. Don’t question yourself why you haven’t found your true love yet, it is just not the right time at that moment.* ————


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